The following report is taken from Anti-Bike Platoon Commander Helmut Schtrapp (2nd Lt.). We would like to commend the bravery shown by the members of his platoon.
– Lt. Colonel B. Handel-Barre (Pedal Regiment, Cycle Path Division) spokes-person for Anti-Bike Platoon.
The platoon was on patrol in the South Garden district when we were ambushed by a rag-tag collection of motley coloured bicycles.
They were uncoordinated and in disarray. My men were able to eliminate the cyclical threat in minutes. Curiously, a large queen-sized mattress seemed to be in command of this guerrilla movement. We don’t not yet know the link between mattress and bicycles, though one soldier timidly suggested it was the “town bike”.
The platoon secured the South Garden area and recommenced the patrol. We had moved 200 metres along South Coast Road when we encountered resistance from a pedal team. Platoon soldiers opened fire resulting in four enemy casualties and several enemy hostages.
No sooner had we taken care of the enemy threat when we were attacked by the tandem forces of green and blue divisions. Our team fought hard but fatigue was becoming a real factor. We would need to back-pedal.
Someone got to these bicycles first. It was hard for some soldiers to get a grip of the situation. The general feeling among the platoon was of suspension.
Lance Corporal Armstrong spotted skid marks on the footbridge at the end of South Coast Road. Private Giant sighted enemy cycles under the bridge. Low on supplies, ammunition, and with fading morale, we decided to avoid confrontation with any more hostile elements. We moved up a gear and took the cycle path back towards the barracks.
Attacked from all sides. This was where the rubber met the road. Yellow “Ofo” division bicycles outflanked, out-sped, and out-out-manouevered the platoon. I ordered the soldiers to fire:
However this caused a chain-reaction as yet more bicycles appeared. Enemy combatants then moved into a formation which military historians might one day term the “pile o’bikes”. Platoon members were twisting ankles on spokes, tripping on crossbars, being maimed by mudguards, and getting tickled by two wheelers. The situation was dire.
Considering that the chain of command ended with me, I decided we should saddle up and beat a hasty retreat. We dropped our supplies and headed for the safety of the underground carpark where, exhausted, we could refuel and debrief.
Sirs, in regards to further patrol missions, it is recommended that our division apply the brakes in the interim. Any further provocations on our part will only lead to one very pumped up enemy and a vicious cycle.